Saturday, January 23, 2010

bright, bright, bright sun-shiny day!!!


Last Saturday, I created quite the drama for myself. Things came to a head in a particular relationship and I EXPLODED without warning. (Anger issues? I seem to be doing that a lot lately, hummmm...I think its because I've found my voice.)

Now, I am training (500 miles thank you) and running 26.2 miles in April on my own. (Actually, still deciding on whether or not to do the race, because I am still mad about spending all that $ on a race I was reticent to do in the first place!)

While I admit, I could have acted in a manner that preserved feelings all around (and thought of a better way to say what I had to say), I'm glad for a resolution to a situation that I had been struggling with for quite some time. Although I had to walk through the subsequent remorse, anger, fall-out, guilt, sadness, and tears the entire past week, externally processing all the while, (because, in the end, I am a complete and utter ubersensitive) I was reminded...
  • No one is allowed to decide for me;
  • I need to listen to my intuition;
  • Sometimes hoping for the best is hopeless;
  • I have choices and I need to choose what is best for ME, not anyone else;
  • To continue to be direct and not let things simmer until they boil, stop being passive and hoping it'll all just go away;
  • If someone brings out the worst in me, maybe I should rethink the relationship & GET OUT QUICK!
A friend who knows me very well asked if this event would affect my running in the future, would I continue to dwell on it and be angry, and I got worried about that too (you know how we women hang onto things and process them over and over and over...), but Saturday morning I HAD THE BEST RUN I'VE HAD IN A REALLY LONG TIME!!! No worries!

Again, I should have listened to my intuition. My solitary workouts are so important. My happy pace is so important. My unequivocal joy in running alone is so important. Listening to my breathing instead of inane, egocentric chatter is so important.

Phew!

A learning experience for sure. I hope it makes me a better person. A thoughtful person.

For sure I am a work in progress!

(Edited on Sunday: Today's 10 miles of hills [seriously, uphill all the way! LOL!] was amazing! I ran at the Stanford Dish and could see practically the entire bay area from the top! The impending storm held off. I am so glad that I did in on my own! Next time I have to remember my camera!!!)

2 comments:

Danica said...

I'm proud of you... for your learning and your running!

Anonymous said...

live your life in a way that makes you happy!!

you go, grrl!!

jc